I can't sugar coat this. Friday night's stunning defeat (see the post below) in an innocuous free roll sent me into a tailspin. Not immediately recognizing I was on serious tilt, I logged into Party and played some of the worst poker a fish can play. The bankroll has suffered a serious dent.
It's taken me since then and all of Saturday to recognize why that one, out of all my bad beats and lost sessions, had had such a devastating effect on me. Truly, I spent the day on the couch in a funk rivaling some of the best depressions of my younger years. Why was this bothering me so much? The fuel that was feeding the slow burn of this failure was being pulled from a stockpile of inadequacy and insecurity which I thought I'd successfully conquered. Finally, I realized that this had surfaced because what I have considered a hobby to enjoy and have fun with, had transformed - without my fully acknowledging it - into a serious endeavor. I have a history of starting new ventures and then abandoning them when interest waned or, more truthfully, they got too tough. I have a very difficult time with rejection on any level and when success rejects me, I simply give up and move on to something else.
I contemplated giving this up, too. Who am I, really, to think I could ever be a contender in the world of competitive poker? Isn't all this just a tad ridiculous? Get real. You are not good at this and don't have what it takes.....yadda, yadda, yadda. These were the self-destructive thoughts swirling through my brain, chains around my feet dragging me down to the depths. But something, a little voice, said "Stop that. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, get off your butt and get back into the game..." Reluctantly, I listened to that little voice and forced myself to enter another one of those damn WPT free rolls. I entered two of them again, which started 15 minutes apart. I had a raging headache, was tired and nearly un-registered a half dozen times before they started. The first one I busted out of in level 3 or 4. Which was OK because all my concentration was going into the second one. In level two of that one, when I was dealt AA - I was afraid. Afraid I'd get burned by another bad beat. Funny, isn't it? But I swallowed that fear and played them as they should, I got the pot. I ultimately went out #136 on a pair of QQ. 36 out of the "money" so to speak.
This morning (Sunday) I signed up for the Party Sunday $5 mega-tourney at the last minute - I'll post some specifics on that one in Part II - but, briefly, I was on a repeat of my performance of the night before. I ultimately lost and left the tourney at #246 out of 1,399.
So, my confidence has been given a much needed boost, I've pushed aside my impulse to quit and have made a pact with myself to continue the pursuit of my personal best in this endeavor - whatever that may be. I have decided that I want to take this beyond a hobby which will mean serious study and practice. I am not aiming to become a poker pro but, rather, to become the best player I can be. Whatever happens as the result of that, well, that'll be gravy. My most immediate task, though, will be to rebuild my dwindling bankroll - back to the baby tables for me!
My most humble thanks to all you poker bloggers and players who stop by to read my little musings and who take the time to commiserate and offer support. It means the world to me, it truly does.
